A prostate cancer diagnosis impacts the patient and their family deeply, often initiating an emotional experience that resembles the stages of grief. When my brother Rob learned he had prostate cancer at age 50, he recalled in his interview on the Joanne Fernandez (2025) Podcast (Prostate Cancer: Breaking the Silence! What Every Man Should Know) that his first thoughts were, “Does this mean I’m going to die? Why me?. Those fears and shock are natural. In fact, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously described five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance,  which many people experience when facing a life-changing illness (Kübler-Ross, 1969; Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Not everyone goes through all five stages or in a neat order, but recognizing these common reactions can help you coach someone through the process with empathy. In this article, we will explore how to support a loved one with prostate cancer, from understanding their emotional stages to providing family support, to mastering what not to say. The goal is to help you be a steady, compassionate coach through the ups and downs of their cancer journey.

Acknowledging the Emotional Stages of a Cancer Diagnosis

Hearing “you have cancer” often triggers an emotional rollercoaster. Your loved one may initially insist, “this can’t be happening” (denial) or ask, “why me?” in frustration (anger). They might bargain internally (“if I eat healthier, maybe it will go away”) or feel depressed and fearful about the future. Ultimately, many reach a level of acceptance, not “giving up,” but coming to terms with the reality. It is important to remember that these emotions are normal responses to serious illness. The Kübler-Ross model of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance,  is a well-known framework describing how people often cope with life-changing diagnoses. However, everyone is different: they might cycle through emotions in no set order or even experience multiple feelings at once. For example, Rob shared in his YouTube interview (Fernandez, 2025) that he felt shock and denial when he first got the news. He had no apparent symptoms and no known family history, so it did not feel real. Allow your loved one to have their feelings, and reassure them that whatever they are feeling is okay. By understanding the emotional stages, you, as a supporter, can better anticipate their needs. For instance, during the denial or “numb” phase, they may need information repeated and help processing the news. During anger, they might require patience and a nonjudgmental ear. If depression hits, they will need encouragement that they are not alone and that help exists. In all stages, empathy and patience are key.

Do not rush acceptance or falsely cheer them up. Pushing someone to “stay positive” too quickly can feel invalidating. Psychologists note that most people do not experience these stages in a tidy progression, and there is no “right” way to cope (CURE Today, 2023). Instead of trying to fix their feelings, start by acknowledging them. You might say, “I know this news is devastating and you’re scared, that’s completely understandable.” Validating their experience helps them feel seen and supported. Remember: acknowledgment is not the same as giving up hope; it’s about meeting them where they are emotionally, so you can help them move forward when ready.

The Importance of Family Support (and Avoiding Minimization)

One of the most powerful things you can do is simply be there. Social and family support has a profound impact on a cancer patient’s well-being. Research has tied strong social support to improved coping and even better health outcomes in serious illnesses. For example, a study of cancer patients found those with low social support had significantly higher mortality rates than those with strong support systems (National Foundation for Cancer Research, 2020). In Rob’s case, our large family became his backbone: just before surgery, he was surrounded by 80 relatives at a reunion, plus his loving wife and kids. That community of support gave him strength and hope heading into treatment. As he put it, “When you have that core support, you feel you can overcome anything (Fernandez, 2025).” 

Active family involvement, whether it’s accompanying them to appointments, helping with chores, or organizing visits, can significantly relieve the patient’s stress. It also combats the isolation that often comes with cancer. Sometimes support means rallying around them for a fun celebration (like Rob’s pre-surgery birthday reunion, which his doctor encouraged so he’d go into treatment in good spirits). Other times, support means quiet presence on a tough day.

While you offer help, be careful not to minimize what they’re going through. It’s natural to want to cheer them up by finding a “silver lining,” but phrases like “Well, at least it’s early stage” or “At least prostate cancer is treatable”, though well-intentioned, can feel dismissive. Avoid comparisons or downplaying the situation. Cancer etiquette guides caution that comparing or saying “at least it isn’t worse” can minimize your loved one’s feelings, whereas it’s more supportive to acknowledge their reality (Cancer Etiquette, n.d.). For instance, instead of “At least it’s not as bad as X,” you can say, “I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I’m here for you no matter what.” Similarly, avoid telling them to “stay positive” 24/7. Toxic positivity can backfire; your loved one needs the freedom to express fear or sadness without feeling guilty.

What to say and not say: Here are a few do’s and don’ts to guide you:

• DO acknowledge their feelings: “I understand you’re scared and angry, anyone would be.”
• DO reassure them of your support: “You’re not alone in this. We will get through it together.”
• DO NOT say “I know exactly how you feel” (you don’t, and it shifts focus to you) or “At least you have the ‘good’ cancer”. Such comments, even meant to console, can invalidate their experience.
• DO NOT brush off their emotions with “stay strong” or “be positive” only. They may feel pressure to hide their true feelings. Encourage hope, but also let them vent.

Above all, listening and empathy trump perfect words. It’s okay to admit, “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.” Often, presence speaks louder than platitudes.

Coaching Through Active Listening

One of the most valuable skills you can offer is active listening. When a loved one is coping with cancer, they need a safe outlet for their fears and hopes. Active listening means giving your full attention and truly hearing them without judgment. This involves being fully present, tuning in to both their words and their body language, and responding with empathy and understanding (Weger, Castle Bell, Minei, & Robinson, 2014; American Cancer Society, n.d.). By listening attentively, you create a space where they feel safe to express anger, fear, or sadness without fear of being judged or “bringing you down.”

Some tips for active listening to someone with cancer:

• Minimize distractions: Set aside the phone, turn off the TV, and find a quiet space so they know they have your focus.
• Use body language: Nod, maintain comfortable eye contact, and lean in to show engagement. Often, a gentle touch or holding their hand (if appropriate) can convey support without words.
• Don’t interrupt or rush to give advice. Let them speak at their own pace. Silence is okay; it may take time for them to formulate their thoughts. Avoid jumping in with your own stories or solutions unless they ask, this conversation is about them.
• Reflect and validate: Paraphrase what they’ve said to show you understand (“It sounds like the treatment process is really overwhelming for you.”). Acknowledge their emotions (“I hear that you’re frustrated and that makes a lot of sense given what you’re facing”). This validation can be incredibly comforting, because it tells them you truly hear and accept what they’re feeling.
• Ask open-ended questions when appropriate: Gentle prompts like “How are you feeling about the upcoming surgery?” or “What worries you most right now?” invite them to share more, on their own terms. If they seem hesitant or private, do not push; just remind them you’re available whenever they do want to talk.

Crucially, active listening also means resisting the urge to minimize or immediately cheerlead. If your friend says, “I’m terrified about my results,” an active listening response might be, “That is completely understandable. Waiting is so hard. What part is scaring you the most?” rather than, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be fine!” By acknowledging their fear, you show empathy; by asking a follow-up, you allow them to delve deeper if they wish. As a supporter, your role is not to fix their pain but to honor it and help them carry it. Paradoxically, when people feel heard and validated, it often lightens their emotional burden.

Active listening can be emotionally intense, so remember to take care of yourself, too. It’s okay to feel sad or overwhelmed by what you hear. Consider debriefing with a counselor or support group for caregivers if needed. But avoid dumping those feelings back on the patient. Your calm, steady presence is a gift. Sometimes, just sitting together in silence, or listening to them cry and saying “I’m here,” speaks louder than any advice.

Being Present: Support Through Actions and Understanding

Beyond words, actions matter. Coaching someone through cancer is also about practical support and simply showing up. Offer to help in concrete ways, but always tailor it to their needs and preferences:

• Help with daily tasks: Treatment can be draining. You might cook meals, run errands, help with childcare, or take on household chores so they can rest. Even small gestures, such as doing their laundry or bringing groceries, can lift a weight off their shoulders. Importantly, ask before you do, and if they hesitate to ask for help (as many proud individuals do), make specific offers (“Can I come by Wednesday to mow the lawn and bring dinner?”). This shows initiative without taking away their sense of control.
  
• Accompany them to appointments: Medical visits can be scary and information-heavy. Having a supportive companion to take notes or just hold their hand in the waiting room is invaluable. Rob mentioned that having family members at some of his appointments made the process less lonely and ensured nothing the doctor said was missed.
  
• Learn about the illness: Educating yourself about prostate cancer (from reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic, 2024, or American Cancer Society, 2023) can help you understand what your loved one is going through.  It shows you care enough to speak their language, whether it’s knowing what a PSA test or biopsy is, or being aware of common side effects from surgery or radiation. Just be careful not to overload them with information or unsolicited internet research. Use your knowledge to empathize better and assist when they have questions.

Finally, encourage them to lean on wider support networks, too. Family support is crucial, but sometimes a patient benefits from talking to others outside the immediate family, like professional counselors, peer support groups, or spiritual advisors. If you sense they’re struggling in ways you can’t help (for example, persistent depression or anxiety), gently suggest resources such as a cancer support group or therapist. You might say, “Lots of people find it helpful to talk with others who’ve been through this. I can help you look for a support group if you’re interested.” Normalize that seeking help beyond family is a sign of strength, not weakness.

In summary, guiding a loved one through the journey of prostate cancer means meeting them where they are. Recognize the emotional turbulence they’re experiencing; offer steady, nonjudgmental support; listen more than you speak; and be a partner in practical matters as well as an emotional rock. By avoiding minimizing language and practicing active listening and empathy, you validate their experience. By rallying family support and being present, you remind them they’re not alone. This compassionate coaching can make a world of difference in how your loved one copes and heals. As Rob said after coming through surgery and recovery, he’s gained a new perspective on life, and having family by his side at every step “brought so much perspective and comfort” during his hardest days. Your support can be that light for someone navigating the darkness of a cancer diagnosis.

(Stay tuned for Part 2, where we will explore why many people keep their diagnoses private and how awareness and open conversations can break the stigma.)

References 

American Cancer Society. (n.d.). How to listen to someone with cancer. https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers/how-to-communicate.html

American Cancer Society. (2023). September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. https://pressroom.cancer.org/ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth

Cancer Etiquette. (n.d.). What to say and how to act when someone has cancer. Cancer Fatigue Services. https://www.cancerfatigueservices.com/cancer-etiquette

Cancer Research Institute. (2024). How to support someone with cancer. https://www.cancerresearch.org/blog/how-to-support-someone-with-cancer

CURE Today. (2023). The stages of grief after a cancer diagnosis. https://www.curetoday.com/view/the-stages-of-grief-after-a-cancer-diagnosis

Fernandez, J. (Host). (2025, September 14). Prostate cancer: Breaking the silence! What every man should know [Video]. Joanne Fernandez Podcast. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r-G4Y60cjk&t=1s

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.

Mayo Clinic. (2024). Prostate cancer: Diagnosis and treatment overview. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prostate-cancer/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353093

National Foundation for Cancer Research. (2020). Strong social support can improve cancer outcomes. https://www.nfcr.org/blog/strong-social-support-can-improve-cancer-outcomes

United Way. (n.d.). 211, get connected, get help. https://www.211.org

Weger, H., Jr., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234